Morbid Jokes

What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?

Nothing because they can't open the gift.

Why is Santa's sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

Why is it that when I'm in school doing PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but the moment I say "blacks against whites" I'm the bad guy?

I threw a paralyzed kid into the fireplace and called him hotwheels.

So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.

The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.

So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”

Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?

A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common?

An expiration date.

What is long, brown, and cures depression?

A noose.

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

In History class, the teacher taught a lesson about serial killer Albert Fish. Back in the early 20th century, Fish reportedly kidnapped, ate, and raped over 100 kids. He mainly chose victims who were either retarded or black. Further on the lesson, the teacher explained how in those days, black people were socially not equal with white people, and how people with mental illness were not accepted and treated properly due to a lack of knowledge of mental health.

One of the students raised their hand and said, “You ought to be arrested.” The teacher confusedly asked, “Why?” The student explained, “Because you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?

“They both blow heads.”

What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?

A Sandy Hooker

Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?

Only the wife was hung up.

What's a Latino's favorite sport? Lacrosse.

I just wanted to write something random.

And now my wife is dead.

What do you call six gay men at war? Rainbow Six Siege.

A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.

The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."

Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."

So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"

The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"

The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"