Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Patient: Good news! Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.
A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."
Crispy Juicy Tender, I Just Put My New-Born Son In A Blender
What's a Latino's favorite sport? Lacrosse
Why does Mexico not have an Olympic team because everyone who can run jump and swim is already in America
My mother was so sad after my grandpas death she went into the bathroom with my uncle and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on saying that she was pregnant.
An apple a day keeps a doctor away....... at least if you throw it hard enough
how do you know when your wife is cheating on you? - she comes home with sparkles on her face
I’m telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution
When you’re walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming “They’re in the fucking trees!”
A depressed man buys a gun for suicide but then thinks "maybe i shouldn't be doing this" and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.
Today my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings and when my brother walked past my mom asked me a question "what do you think of going through kids heads during a school shooting " That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom "bullets" we don't talk about this anymore
I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice ...
Pickup line; Hey mama you school? Cuz I'd like to shoot some kids up in you
Why did Helen Keller burn her hands? Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.
Imagine if on April first the government says hahhaha you all fell for it covid19 is fake we actually killed all those people lol
This chess game against America and England is getting interesting, first America lost both of its towers but now England has lost its queen
So I went to my friends funeral today, As we were all leaving a kid put a get well soon card next to my friends grave ‘poor kid’
I found Nemo
He was tasty
How do you get a fat girl to bed? Piece of cake
