Morbid jokes
What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing to do on guitar?
Fingering A minor.
Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"
Friend: "I don't know."
Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.
Why did the Nurse bring a red pen to work? To draw Blood.
Why did the M&M go to school? To be a smartie.
Why did the monkey bring a ladder to school? To be in highschool.
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.
What does Germany and the rest of the world have in common? They both use gases to poison one thing or another.
I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.
Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."
Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"
What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.
Why did everyone run from the Mexican when he went to the snack bar?
He said "¡Hola snack bar!" ¡Hola means hello in Spanish.
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
Why did Paul Walker cross the street?
Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
An apple a day keeps a doctor away... at least if you throw it hard enough.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Without other people's dicks in it.
If a special ed kid is late to class, is it okay to call me a little tardy?
What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul? At least Hitler had respect for the Japanese!