Morbid jokes

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.

what do you call a lazy gay?

someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.

Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What's the really bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

What do priests and doctors have in common?

They both do physicals on kids.

Q. What is the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid? A. The phrase "jump rope" means different things.

If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

What's the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a cop?

Pizza guys get punished for not doing their jobs properly.

what's the difference between hitler and you?

one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.

The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

Q: What do Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?

A: They put meat on five-year-old buns.

What do you call 2 spies fucking?

Undercover.

I would make a dad joke, but I don't have a dad to joke about.

I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

Your spelling is more morbid than any of these jokes.

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."