Morbid jokes
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and asked if she wanna. Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and they had a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill, now they have a son.
Everyone's had a mind-blowing day before, just ask JFK.
My friend said I was gay, but then I realised he was talking to the mirror.
I have a thousand-piece puzzle of the Japanese map. It took me ages to finish it.
But after the earthquake, I just threw all the pieces on the ground, and it's done.
There are 50 dogs and 48 cats.
How many are hungry?
A. 10
What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.
I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...
Why is America so good at Rubik's cubes?
They have a history of sorting colours.
"Dude come here and see a rabbit!"
"Ok!"
"Are you ok, man?"
"Yeah, I’m fine."
"Dude, pull your pants back up!"
I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"
How did the hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her son's dick tasted funny.
Q: What did the cannibal say to the leper?
A: You gonna eat that?
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.
Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."
God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.
Why do midgets work at Tesco?
Because every little helps.
Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
Why don't orphans play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...