Morbid Jokes

Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?

"Because his dad never brought the milk."

Why’s it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

What mental disorder do all Mexicans have?

Borderline Personality Disorder.

When you're walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming, "They're in the fucking trees!"

Are you a Samsung Galaxy Note 7? Because I want to explode in you!

My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.

If you take a shot, a paper wad, in the trashcan, and call "Kobe!" but miss, it's still a Kobe.

JFK did a good job spreading around on his final speech.

Where did Kobe go after the helicopter crashed? Everywhere.

The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!

Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

I wanted to solve teen suicide, so I shot up a middle school.

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was an amazing pilot.

Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.

Son (in a happy tone): I know.

Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?

Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.

Women should be allowed to leave the kitchen... to clean the rest of the house.

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

Little Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher said, "Okay, everyone, tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet." Johnny didn't know the alphabet, so he decided to ask his family. He walked into the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mama, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV, and he says, "Tommy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman." So he went to his grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him, he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher comes to Johnny, she says, "Johnny, what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now," Johnny says. "Who do you think you are, young man, to talk to someone like me that way?" the teacher asks. "I'm Batman," Johnny says. The teacher whups his ass, and little Johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"

Later that day, he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse, that he accidentally cussed at his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.