Morbid jokes
A little boy was given a bicycle and a soccer ball for his birthday, but why was the little boy unhappy?
Because the little boy had no legs.
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
Little Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher said, "Okay, everyone, tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet." Johnny didn't know the alphabet, so he decided to ask his family. He walked into the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mama, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV, and he says, "Tommy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman." So he went to his grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him, he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher comes to Johnny, she says, "Johnny, what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now," Johnny says. "Who do you think you are, young man, to talk to someone like me that way?" the teacher asks. "I'm Batman," Johnny says. The teacher whups his ass, and little Johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"
Later that day, he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse, that he accidentally cussed at his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.
What did the kid who has no arms get for Christmas?
He couldn't even open it.
What is worse than a baby spinning at a hundred miles per hour on a washing line?
Hitting it off with a cricket bat.
Why do gay kids always fail exams ? Becuz they can't think straight
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.
I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.
Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?
"Because his dad never brought the milk."
Why’s it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice.
What mental disorder do all Mexicans have?
Borderline Personality Disorder.
When you're walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming, "They're in the fucking trees!"
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
Where did Kobe go after the helicopter crashed? Everywhere.
JFK did a good job spreading around on his final speech.
If you take a shot, a paper wad, in the trashcan, and call "Kobe!" but miss, it's still a Kobe.
Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!
Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.