Morbid Jokes

Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.

I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.

Q. what do you call a CEO that's been shot in the head? A. An ambulance.

I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.

I moved so much stone today.

I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.

Everyone becomes happy when they complete the last stage of the game.

But the cancer patients aren't.

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?

I'm sure you would run away if your name was kjdhfkuaysbgfbkuejgf.

A girl called me ugly.

So I drove over her with a car and called her flat.

A disabled kid kept throwing up in class.

So I threw him out the window!

Shia Mehdi unlived by beard guy looooool 🤨

When your baby is stillborn and you have a funeral, what song should you never play?

Alphaville - "Forever Young."

The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"

The dad: "Everywhere."

Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.

An Emo kid in a tree falls. At the same time an apple falls from the same tree, what hits the ground first? The apple would be due to the kid's rope and noose.