Morbid jokes

Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?

A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.

They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

If your parachute fails midair, remember, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

Why did Santa stop at three ho's?

Ms. Claus caught him.

I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.

Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.

I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.

Q. What do you call a CEO that's been shot in the head?

A. An ambulance.

I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.

I moved so much stone today.

I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.

Everyone becomes happy when they complete the last stage of the game.

But the cancer patients aren't.

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."