Morbid jokes
What do you call gun ammunition made out of human babies?
Project-childs.
(Projectiles)
Q. What's the difference between a baby and a bale of straw?
A. I got arrested last time I speared a baby with a pitchfork.
My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.
The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!
What is the difference between a baby and a sweet potato?
About 140 calories.
My therapist said, "Time heals all wounds," so I cut her.
I'd make you fall harder than the South Tower.
What does Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?
They both use 30-year-old meat in between two-year-old buns.
What's the difference between a shopping bag and Michael Jackson?
One is white, made of plastic, and dangerous for children. The other is for groceries.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?
I guess it really IS all in the execution.
I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.
They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.
I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.
Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.
If your parachute fails midair, remember, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Why did Santa stop at three ho's?
Ms. Claus caught him.
I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.
Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.
Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.
Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.
I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?