Misunderstanding jokes

So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.

A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.

Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!

Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!

Mom: ❓❓❓

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?

What did the short Chinese man say when he was called a dwarf? "Da fok yu sai tu meee."

"Have you taken a bath?"

"No. Why, did one go missing?"

Student: "May I use the restroom, professor?"

Professor: "Oui oui."

Student: "No, professor, doo doo!"

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

What’s the best part about having sex with 23 year olds... there’s 20 of them.

Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through something so small?"

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

A black lady goes inside the drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you carry tampons?" Then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "Do you want the mini pads or the maxi pads?"

And then the black lady asks the pharmacist, "What is the difference?"

And then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "What is your flow like?"

And then the black lady tells the pharmacist, "Linoleum."

I'm 24 and I was with a Chinese lady, and she kept screaming, "I'm too young!" Like, I don't know what that name is.

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"