Misunderstanding jokes

When deaf people see someone yawning, do they think they're screaming?

Did you hear about the deaf man who got a ticket?

It's OK, he didn't either!

I never knew the kid at school had autism. I always just thought he was walking into cobwebs.

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.

People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?

What did the short Chinese man say when he was called a dwarf? "Da fok yu sai tu meee."

"Have you taken a bath?"

"No. Why, did one go missing?"

People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.

What’s the best part about having sex with 23 year olds... there’s 20 of them.

When you were supposed to help the depressed kid, but not "help" the depressed kid.

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!

Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!

Mom: ❓❓❓

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

Student: "May I use the restroom, professor?"

Professor: "Oui oui."

Student: "No, professor, doo doo!"

Two men are walking down the street and see a dog licking its balls. One man says, "I wish I could do that." The other one says, "You can probably just pet him."

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."