I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?
She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"
To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"
This is two heads.
Deaf. "Deep water." ""
- "78 years."
Are you interested again? ""
"If you go ... you are there."
"No. 85 is good."
What is the most important value? It does not take cheese.
My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."
Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.
What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?
"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."
What did the autistic man order at McDonald’s?
Ass Burgers.
Alright, class, we have 39 students and 40 seats.
That one dyslexic kid thinking he’s Superman:
My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.
The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"
Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"
Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...
...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."
To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"
A German priest went to America for a few months. Unfortunately for him, he did not speak the best English. He stayed with a beautiful, young single woman who worked at a nearby orphanage.
Every day, he visited her in the orphanage, and he always brought her small gifts, and of course to the young children.
The young woman thought the priest was flirting with him, and she knew he was not married. She left that thought in the back of her mind for a few weeks.
A few weeks later, she finally brought up her nerve to ask him. She asked him why he always visited her, and why all the gifts for her and the children.
Of course, due to his bad English, he struggled a bit with his sentence, but he said in his thick German accent, "Vell, I visit you and your, your littles, because the kind girls here are very beautiful and cute.
She was quite amused, and blushed a bit. The man was also a bit nervous, and appeared to want to leave her office. The Priest then excused himself, and went to read the orphans a bedtime story.
He then muttered to himself, "Ach, she's catching on to me! Stupid! Zey are called little girls and boys, not child boys and girls."
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
What say the child to the man? Shalom Man come later give the child: Here what you ask for! Child: Noo sir I say Shabbat Shalom I not ask for Salmon!!!! Man: It may be the coin in me ear hard to hear
I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
hahahahaha.........Autism.
One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.
"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"
My wife said I have no sense of direction.
I said, "Where did that come from?"
A black lady goes inside the drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you carry tampons?" Then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "Do you want the mini pads or the maxi pads?"
And then the black lady asks the pharmacist, "What is the difference?"
And then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "What is your flow like?"
And then the black lady tells the pharmacist, "Linoleum."
A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.
His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"
The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."
