Misunderstanding jokes

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,

"Some asshole has my pen!"

I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

But I got seven Up.

"I work with animals," the man said to his date.

His date said, "I love a man who works with animals. What job is it for the animal?"

"I am a butcher," said the man.

I was at a bar. The girl said, "Sex, sex, free sex tonight," when she really said, "663629."

My face when “Free Palestine” wasn’t a sales deal.

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......

What does the blind man say when he walks past the fish market?

"Hello, ladies!"

Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone path.

One nun turns to the other one and says, "I’ve never come this way."

The other one says, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."

My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.

My girlfriend said I was a ped0phi1e.

That's a big word for a 6 year old!

I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!

Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.

Dumb person: Wat idk mean?

Person 1: I don’t know.

Dumb one: Oh u don’t know okie I ask Googol.

Person 1: Wait idk means--

Dumb one (to Googol): WAT DOS IDK MANNN?

Googol: I don’t know.

Dumb one: OH ME GOOOD EVEN GOGLO DOESYN KNOWWW

A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"

My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.

Hey guys, it's Hailey here.

I'ma start off with henlo ;-;

I know you guys aren't going to believe me because of the assholes who were faking to be me, but if you can try to believe me, I'll explain.

So, Jake, we can't really be together anymore, since we no longer can chat. I'm so sorry.

Basically, my parents caught us on here as you realized. Yayyyy.

I don't have time to say anything else. So I've gotta go, but thankyou guys for everything you did for me.

Also, you won't get any response from me so yea. So sorry guys ;-;

So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.

The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.

So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”

One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

Moxxie: ThEy CaLlEd Me A pOsSuM!! i'M nOt A pOsSuM!!