Mishap jokes
My wife is so fat! I took her to the Grand Canyon. She fell in and got stuck!
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
He got hit by a bus.
How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...
I tried to catch the fog, but I mist.
My son said he burnt food on accident, so I told him he was an accident.
Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Someone chucked a brick at her.
Why did Sally throw a clock out the window? She had brain damage from the brick.
What's worse than throwing a baby off a cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and said, "Jill do you wanna?" Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill so now they have a son.
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.
A is for apple, B is for dyslexia—oh wait, no! That’s D!
I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed and laughed, well, everyone except one.
There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.
Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."
My dad went for the milk, but he left his wheelchair.
My dad said not to touch this thingy called a gun, but I looked down that pole and pressed that thing, and now I'm in heaven.
So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!
Q. Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
A. Because he got hit by a truck.
Why did the rapper get kicked out of the grocery store?
He kept dropping the BEETS!
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream cone?
He got hit by a train.