Mishap jokes
My wife is so fat! I took her to the Grand Canyon. She fell in and got stuck!
My dad said not to touch this thingy called a gun, but I looked down that pole and pressed that thing, and now I'm in heaven.
So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He hit Alt+F4.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Not Susie!"
My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."
There was this intern that worked at an orphanage, and she burnt it down. Luckily, she doesn't have to tell her parents.
Helen Keller threw the garbage out and broke a vehicle.
Why couldn’t little Susie stay on the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not Susie.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because there's too many jokes about Sally.
I slip on the wet floor, haha silly water :)
-Kachow!!!!!!!!!!!
-LMQ, You know what comes before lighting? THUNDER KACHIGA
Why do orphans have no parents?
Because it was Batman!
A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!
A FedEx plane was carrying 375 fridges across Africa, but the cargo door wasn't shut properly, and only 218 reached the desired destination. The rest landed in a remote village. How many fell out the plane?
Time's up! You took too long; you only had 4 seconds to answer it.
How do you put an elephant into the fridge that pushed out the cargo door?
Open the fridge, put the elephant in, and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant. Then put in the giraffe and close the door.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she got hit by the other 156 refrigerators.
How did she survive?
Her idiot mother tried to pull her out and accidentally ripped both her arms off, but she was rescued 8 minutes later.
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
How it be when the new guy takes too long...
Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.
Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.
Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.
Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.
Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "I know you wanna!"
Jill said yes, lifted up her dress, and then they had some fun,
But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
Why did the orphan fall off the mountain? Because his parents let go.