Mishap jokes
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
They're both accidents.
Why did the boy get run over?
Sally was driving.
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."
"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."
"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."
"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."
"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."
"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
Stephen Hawking's death was simply an accident. He pressed power off instead of sleep mode.
My son said he burnt food on accident, so I told him he was an accident.
Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.
When you realize the shuttle blew up.
Then you realize you're on the shuttle.
Why is Ronan's forehead the size of Jupiter? Because he dropped the TV on his forehead. It also had rings.
Why is Jupiter's ring stuck in orbit? Because Ronan's forehead kept it stuck in orbit.
Snails are like sperm, slow and sloppy.
You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.
Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.
My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus. I also lost my bus driver's license.