Mishap jokes
Why did the rapper get kicked out of the grocery store?
He kept dropping the BEETS!
A girl goes to a Church to confess.
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
I’m about to tell you the funniest joke I heard:
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls emergency services. The operator then hears the problem and says, “Well, let’s make sure he’s dead.” A shot is then heard. The other guy says, “Ok, now what?”
Did you laugh?
Q. Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
A. Because he got hit by a truck.
I was once friends with a schizophrenic emo. He tried high-fiving a tree, but it only left him hanging.
The Twin Towers ordered a pepperoni pizza. They got plane.
Q. Why did the boy fall off his bike?
A. His mom threw an oven at him.
My wife is so fat! I took her to the Grand Canyon. She fell in and got stuck!
I fell into a water bed with super soil. Next thing I'm in a flower bed.
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.
Why do orphans have no parents?
Because it was Batman!
Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.
Waluigi gets his Walu-weenie stuck in a vending machine!
I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "I know you wanna!"
Jill said yes, lifted up her dress, and then they had some fun,
But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.