Mishap jokes
Why did Tyrone drop his ice cream cone?
A: He got shot.
Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
He got ran over by a bus.
My friend dreamed of being a porno star.
He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.
The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!
Stephen Hawking's death was simply an accident. He pressed power off instead of sleep mode.
My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."
"I put the tin foil in the microwave, ma!"
I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because there's too many jokes about Sally.
Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.
Why couldn’t little Susie stay on the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not Susie.
Why did the orphan fall off the mountain? Because his parents let go.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Not Susie!"
A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!
What do you call a person on fire in a wheelchair?
Hot wheels!
Why did Susan drop her ice cream? She was hit by a bus.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.
Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.
A girl goes to a Church to confess.
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"