Mishap jokes
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
I got fired from a pickle factory for getting my finger caught in a slicer. They only gave *her* the day off with pay... unfair!
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
True story.
So a blind man walks into a bar.
At least he thinks so.
My dad went for the milk, but he left his wheelchair.
Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone? Because he got hit by a bus!
Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.
A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.
Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"
Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.
So a blind guy walks into a bar, and a table, and a chair.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Why did Susan drop her ice cream? She was hit by a bus.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
I was at my drumming lesson and I accidentally dropped my drum stick when my sister made a terrible joke.
KA-DOOM-CHA!
There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.
Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.
Did you hear about the man who backed into a meat grinder?
I guess you could say... he was a little behind on his work.
There was a Cheerio that had a job. He worked hard at it, and the boss came up and promoted him to the vice president of the Cheerios. So he needed a speech. He kept practicing and practicing and now he was thirsty. It was almost time for his speech, so he went to the drinking fountain, but there was a huge line. So he went to the lake, but he saw tons of garbage and what he thought was a cereal killer. So he found this bowl of punch, but he realized... there was no punchline.
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
Today my toilet paper ran across the road, but it got stuck in the crack.
Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."