Mishap jokes
There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.
Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
I’m about to tell you the funniest joke I heard:
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls emergency services. The operator then hears the problem and says, “Well, let’s make sure he’s dead.” A shot is then heard. The other guy says, “Ok, now what?”
Did you laugh?
Did you hear about the man who backed into a meat grinder?
I guess you could say... he was a little behind on his work.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and said, "Jill do you wanna?" Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill so now they have a son.
I was at my drumming lesson and I accidentally dropped my drum stick when my sister made a terrible joke.
KA-DOOM-CHA!
I fell into a water bed with super soil. Next thing I'm in a flower bed.
Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
There was a Cheerio that had a job. He worked hard at it, and the boss came up and promoted him to the vice president of the Cheerios. So he needed a speech. He kept practicing and practicing and now he was thirsty. It was almost time for his speech, so he went to the drinking fountain, but there was a huge line. So he went to the lake, but he saw tons of garbage and what he thought was a cereal killer. So he found this bowl of punch, but he realized... there was no punchline.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she is a dumb b*tch!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Q. Why did the boy fall off his bike?
A. His mom threw an oven at him.
Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
True story.
Why did Billy fall off his bike?
Because his dad threw a chair at him.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
I got fired from a pickle factory for getting my finger caught in a slicer. They only gave *her* the day off with pay... unfair!
Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone? Because he got hit by a bus!
So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."