ME jokes
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me :3
My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!
*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*
"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"
An emo tried to give me a high five...
I left him hanging.
All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I had no idea why though...
Then IT hit me.
Memes
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
Bestfriend @3am: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*
I don't know if this is funny.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)
Baby: Wait for me!
(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)
(He squishes the child.)
Father: Ketchup!
The Twin Towers remind me of an emote... bing, bang, boom.
Do people even like me, C. A. S. N. O. V. A.?
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents, buddy."
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.
I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldo’s laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, “Do you consent to cookies?” He said that he doesn’t eat cookies and doesn’t know what consent means, so that’s why he called me.
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
Call me an elevator, because I let people down.
I tried to high-five a tree. It left me hanging.