ME jokes

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

The doctor told me I'm color blind...

Me: That's out of the purple!

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

What's the difference between me and a registered sex offender?

I am not registered.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

(some kid crying because hes an orphan and kids are bulling him) teacher:HEY i was a orphan to so if you bully him your basicly trying to bully me too me:OOF teacher:now is somebody not here? me:your parents

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

Nobody: Aww, that's so sad!

Me: Just like me.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me :3

I couldn’t understand why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger.

Then it hit me.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait