ME jokes

What did the plane say to the tower?

"Give me a kiss."

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

An emo tried to give me a high five...

I left him hanging.

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I had no idea why though...

Then IT hit me.

Call me an elevator, because I let people down.

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

I tried to high-five a tree. It left me hanging.

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldo’s laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, “Do you consent to cookies?” He said that he doesn’t eat cookies and doesn’t know what consent means, so that’s why he called me.

What's the difference between me and my pencil sharpeners? Nothing, we're both broken.

The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents, buddy."

It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.

Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."

"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"