ME jokes
Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."
I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.
Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."
Boy: "What's that?"
Grandpa: "What's what?"
Memes
Me dozing off while driving.
Everyone else on the passenger plane: September 11, 2001.
A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"
Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.
The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."
An emo tried to give me a high five...
I left him hanging.
All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I had no idea why though...
Then IT hit me.
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
Bestfriend @3am: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*
I don't know if this is funny.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
The Twin Towers remind me of an emote... bing, bang, boom.
Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!
Do people even like me, C. A. S. N. O. V. A.?
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)
Baby: Wait for me!
(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)
(He squishes the child.)
Father: Ketchup!
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."