ME jokes
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."
Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?
"I finished my job."
What about me?
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?
Treat me like a joke, and I will leave you like it's funny.
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)
Baby: Wait for me!
(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)
(He squishes the child.)
Father: Ketchup!
What did the plane say to the tower?
"Give me a kiss."
Bestfriend @3am: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*
I don't know if this is funny.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
The Twin Towers remind me of an emote... bing, bang, boom.
Mom: You will make me kill myself.
Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
Call me an elevator, because I let people down.
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
I tried to high-five a tree. It left me hanging.
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.