ME jokes
A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Me: Hey, are your parents home?
Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!
Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.
What is an orphan's family reunion called?
Me time.
Me when school ends on a Friday
"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"
"Who was in the race?"
"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"
People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.
This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."
I will pay someone to kill me.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said,
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."
The lines on the pride flag look pretty straight to me!
Hey guys, wish me luck on my game Al-Nassr vs. Raed Al-Raed. I have 604 million followers on Instagram, but we are not gonna be able to beat that. Can we get to 69 followers, please and thankyou?
What does the suicidal person say on New Years?
"New year, no me."
My dick was in the book of world records.
But then the librarian asked me to take it out.
I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents at first."
Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.
I said, "a smile."
They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.
My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.
Going to school is mandatory in this country.
Can you guess my plan?
My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.
Now, my wrists look like a tiger.