ME jokes
The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"
I told her my mum told me to go to hell.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Me: Brings in missing child.
Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.
Me: Oh, cool.
NEXT DAY
Me: Brings in 8 other kids.
Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
So, you're into pronouns? Let me she/them titties.
What is an orphan's family reunion called?
Me time.
Me: Hey, are your parents home?
Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!
People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.
"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"
"Who was in the race?"
"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"
This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."
I will pay someone to kill me.
I think my family is racist.
I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.
My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.
The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said,
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
What does the suicidal person say on New Years?
"New year, no me."
I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents at first."
The lines on the pride flag look pretty straight to me!