ME jokes

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

My dick was in the book of world records.

But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

Me: I found a group of furries in the woods.

Voice in back: Well, it looks like we're going huntin'.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

What does the suicidal person say on New Years?

"New year, no me."

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

Follow me if you need advice, or just follow me.

Teacher: "What do you think is your purpose in our society?"

Me: "To reduce the population by one."

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"

The bartender replied: "A shotgun."

My teacher: If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

Me: Demon Slayer.

My teacher: Why?

The quiet kid: TO GET EATEN BY A DEMON OR BECOME ONE!!!

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.

I hate jokes about 9/11... every joke has the tendency to crash and burn.

"I didn't get the joke at first, but then it hit me like a plane," the joke was so dark a cop almost shot it.

what did the suicidal kid say to the tree?

don't leave me hanging.