ME jokes

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

I will pay someone to kill me.

So, you're into pronouns? Let me she/them titties.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

My dick was in the book of world records.

But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!

Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!

Mom: ❓❓❓

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

Me: I found a group of furries in the woods.

Voice in back: Well, it looks like we're going huntin'.

What does the suicidal person say on New Years?

"New year, no me."

Hey guys, wish me luck on my game Al-Nassr vs. Raed Al-Raed. I have 604 million followers on Instagram, but we are not gonna be able to beat that. Can we get to 69 followers, please and thankyou?

Rey: Join me, Ben, you don't have to be alone anymore, join me.

Ben: But Rey, I've always been solo.

There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.