ME jokes
Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?
Person: Yea, why?
Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)
Me: "Hey, are your parents home?"
Orphan: "Stop calling here!"
Me in the corner.
My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
I thought of you today, and it reminded me to take out the trash.
I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."
Me die.
One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.
Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."
Me: What is the difference between your mom and a mosquito?
Friend: Let me guess, they both suck you.
I went to a depressed person and said, "Do you wanna hang with me?"
People: (arguing about stopping orphan jokes since they aren't funny).
Me: (m e h. i d o n t c a r e)
Me: I'm retarded.
Teacher: Why?
Me: It took me 2 hours to see "60 Minutes."
Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.
Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!
Me: Hey friend!
Friend: Yes?
Me: What is the missing sense? Seeing, smelling, _, tasting, hearing.
Friend: Touch.
Me: What do you spawn on Minecraft always? (jk only 99.99%)
Friend: Grass.
Me: And you get?
Friend: Touch grass.
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"
Hello worstjokesever.com, I am not typing but instead using a microphone to speech, ding me a period.
I don’t see what’s coming up, but I don’t know why I am sending, so it will be random or funny or just stupid, LOL. So like and subscribe and...
Hey guys, I just wanna say what happened to Kanye; he is one of my favorite rappers, and he’s going through a hard time. I don’t see why people can’t just spread love and kindness like me💕
I think that Kanye was right to say what he said. I completely support him, and I don’t understand why people hate on him for using his 1st amendment, and Yeezy should be sued for it.
Quote of the day: Love bests hate as for hate is the killer of friendships - Collin Kaepernick
This is a 2 for 1 plane combo that will never exist.
But, it's like a plane pizza.
Nothing happens, but it terrorizes me.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile.
And I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!"