ME jokes

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.

I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

Q: What do orphans call a family reunion?

A: Me time.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *pauses porn* Why?

If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?

Ninety percent of your beauty can be removed with a Kleenex.

Oh, were you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

Hold still, I am trying to imagine you with a personality.

I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...

Me: Brings in missing child.

Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.

Me: Oh, cool.

NEXT DAY

Me: Brings in 8 other kids.

Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Sometimes, stairs get me down.

Me: Hey, are your parents home?

Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.

What is an orphan's family reunion called?

Me time.

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"