ME jokes
I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."
This homeless lady called me ugly, so I told her, "Okay, then I'm going home."
My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"
The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"
I told her my mum told me to go to hell.
I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.
Memes
I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...
My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.
A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.
"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."
Me: Hey, are your parents home?
Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!
Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.
What is an orphan's family reunion called?
Me time.
People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.
This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."
Sometimes, stairs get me down.
I will pay someone to kill me.
Me: Brings in missing child.
Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.
Me: Oh, cool.
NEXT DAY
Me: Brings in 8 other kids.
Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."
Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!
Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!
Mom: ❓❓❓