ME jokes
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My science teacher was talking about natural selection.
At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.
If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."
I’m so straight, you could call me a supplementary angle.
Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.
Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.
My enemy likes to act like he’s stupid sometimes, and so once he asked me what a sin was, and I responded with, “you.”
My mom was telling me about different pastas. So many pastabilities!
Me: It's so sad Ironman died of ligma. You: What the heck is an Ironman? Me: Ligma balls. "snap" ^kaboom^
How do you paint a wall red? Throw a baby at it!
It cost me $100 to ride a taxi over your belly, it was that big!
My parents created a joke 11 years ago and people are still laughing at it, but I know it's not me because jokes have meaning.
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.
My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.
Friend: Hi.
Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?
Friend: Me?
Me: Damn, no, not you.
Friend: Then who?
Me: The orphan kid.
I guess we're the same.
When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.
"I miss you.
Being happy was never that hard without you..."
Someone's dad: You think he/she wants to join me? I didn't get the milk...
If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?
The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.
I lost my job at the bank. Some lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.
What's the difference between me and a corpse? I mean, I'm not dead... yet, right?
Me imagining how Batman's hairline looks like.
Nobody: Me: His hairline kinda do look like a Batman symbol.
What were the balloon's last words to his Father?
"Watch me, Pop!"