ME jokes
Me: Where's your mom?
Kid: [cries]
Me: [leaving from the adoption center]
My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.
What's the best way to tell your friend you hate them? Option 1: Kill them. Option 2: Walk away. Option 3: Kill each other.
Me: Why can't I just kms and leave them the pain?
Bully: How is your girlfriend?
Me: I don't have one!
Bully: I know!
Me: How are your parents?
*Walks out of orphanage*
A girl did squats everyday with a 20 pound weight in her hand to finally text her boyfriend, "Show me your dick now!"
"Bully," omg, that girl is so ugly.
"Me," Wait, what...ever.
I've been looking for my parents for years.
For the life of me, I can't remember where I hid their bodies.
What do you call a failure in another language?
Me.
My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.
I told him my dad never came back with it.
Me: What are you?
Jake: A muddeasso.
Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*
No one:
Literally no one:
Me: Time to make his life hell.😈
Me walking away after committing murder in a school with my trusty “friend”.
What's the difference between me and the rest of America?
I love one and hate the other.
Hello guys. It's me, Donald fuckin' Trump. Ask me anything in the comments, guys.
Yo momma so fat, I asked her to save me a seat, so she sat down and she saved 10, and one by one the legs started popping off.
There was a kid sitting in a corner.
Me: "Hey! Why are you here at an orphanage?"
Orphan: "..."
Me: "Oh, wait, you're an orphan."
What's the difference between me and an orphan's parents?
I actually come back with the milk.
Repeat after me...
Me: "You have a weird style."
Mom: "You have a weird style."
Me: "Um, not your mirror!" *runs away*
I went to the store because I had to go to school to run up downstairs because my phone started calling me because I was playing Mario Kart on my kitchen sink's baby grandma, like if you cry every time.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I decided to take her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?