ME jokes
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
A king ordered to execute a gay man.
The gay man came and said, "Please don't behead me, have pity!" The king replied, "I will have pity because I will impale you, let you enjoy your last moments."
Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.
Get the whip, you're out!
Hey guys! Just a reminder that the guy below me is a crying bitch! Have a good day!
See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.
When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Silly joke! Where’s my natcho? You have it :excuse me it’s nacho cheese 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why is America bad at Clash of Clans?
Because they already lost two towers.
Waitress: What can I get for you?
Me: I'll have a steak.
Waitress: How would you like it?
Me: Immediately!
My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.
It was really heavy on me.
My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.
The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.
My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.
Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.
Is it me, or was 9/11 too plane? I thought it would be more exciting.
I'm dyslexic. My sister was reading, "What's the book?" I asked. She showed me the cover. "You reading 'The Scared Bull'?" I asked. She started laughing. "No, 'The Sacred Bull'!"
Repeat after me: shut up; shut up; I don’t shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.
Your hairline is so big, it distracts me from your face.
Are you a builder? Because you are giving me an erection.