ME jokes

Your mom was absolutely getting drilled by me on the living room floor last night.

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.

I called her the Fallen Angel.

What do orphans play on Roblox?

Adopt Me.

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

When I was feeling suicidal, I called the suicide hotline and they left me hanging.

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

What did the mad penis say to the vagina? “Don’t make me come in there!”

My AI assistant told me it wanted to go deeper...

...into the algorithm. I misunderstood. Now I’m banned from the lab.

What did the rapper say to the fridge?

"Give me a BEET!"

"Me and Explain Boat (RapBoat) are going to be married tomorrow," - Explain Bear.

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:

Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*

Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?

Hello, are you there?

Yes, who are you?

My name is Watt.

What’s your name?

Watt’s my name.

Yes, what is your name?

My name is John Watt.

John What?

Yes, are you Jones?

No, I’m Knott.

Will you tell me your name?

Will Knott.

Why not?

My name is Knott.

Not what?

Not Watt, Knott!

*hangs up*

A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."

My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."

My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...