ME jokes

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

One time I was playing a bongo at a Chinese restaurant.

But they were competing against a Cuban restaurant and killed me.

One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.

And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.

And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.

Some guy: making a sandwich.

Me: *rages* to put the ham in!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Utah.

Utah who?

You're talking to me.

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?

A: The drunk guy runs it, and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?”

The other muffin says, “AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

"I see, I see." "Oh, do you see?" "I see 1st place looking at me." "Hi, don’t be shy, just say hi." She was shy, she didn’t say hi. Softball cheers.

I carried a magnet, then people found me very attracting.

A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.

I learned that a strangler was targeting me.

All I could think was, "You’ve got to be choking me!"

Knock knock. Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollinnnnnn!

Spy: Hahaha.

Me: What?

Spy: Time to pick up your mother.

Me: Oh no....

Can you see me?

I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call a green camel?

My parents left me.

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!

I forgot what lightning was. Then it struck me.

What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?

Oh wait, I am because she's 10.

Fuck me.