ME jokes

To all of you making jokes about orphans, it’s all fun and games until both of your parents leave you.

LMFAO (my parents left me and it’s not the funniest thing ever)

Someone asked me what the lines on my wrist were from. I answered, "My cat has OCD."

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.

Girlfriend's ex: Why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...

It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shiii fuck ur mom.

Friend: Your t-shirt is cringe.

Me: You should go get the Covid test because one of their symptoms is no taste.

"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? You're adopted. Haley says she likes me more than you."

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”

Patient: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

What did the calculator say to the student?

You can always count on me.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer.

What do you say when a cat says "me moaw"?

The cat says "me toooo!"

My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.

Your hairline is lookin' so crusty like KFC chicken and be so discombobulated that it looks like satellite signals. It gives me flippin' sun radiation.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, "Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?"

Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.

Everyone at the barbecue...

Me: What is the difference between your mom and a mosquito?

Friend: Let me guess, they both suck you.

Like if you like dogs. Dislike if you like cats. Other animal? Tell me in the comments!

If your parents ever accuse you of lying... Say, "You're the one who told me about Santa Claus!"

Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?

I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.

Son: Hey, Dad, I'm cold. Can you give me a lift from work?

Dad: Hi Cold, nice to meet you. Sorry, I don't pick up strangers.

Son: I hate you!