ME jokes

I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.

We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.

Someone asked me what the lines on my wrist were from. I answered, "My cat has OCD."

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.

Girlfriend's ex: Why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.

"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? You're adopted. Haley says she likes me more than you."

What do you say when a cat says "me moaw"?

The cat says "me toooo!"

Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...

It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shiii fuck ur mom.

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”

Patient: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

Friend: Your t-shirt is cringe.

Me: You should go get the Covid test because one of their symptoms is no taste.

My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.

What did the calculator say to the student?

You can always count on me.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, "Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?"

Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.

Everyone at the barbecue...

Me: What is the difference between your mom and a mosquito?

Friend: Let me guess, they both suck you.

Your hairline is lookin' so crusty like KFC chicken and be so discombobulated that it looks like satellite signals. It gives me flippin' sun radiation.

Like if you like dogs. Dislike if you like cats. Other animal? Tell me in the comments!

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

If your parents ever accuse you of lying... Say, "You're the one who told me about Santa Claus!"

"What did the orphan say to the other orphan? \"You have a dad? Say he can have me, I will (let) you, so he can adopt me.\""

When younger girls say, "I want my period, or it will not be bad."

*eating chocolate in bed crying* My face at them when they say that. 🤣🙄😵

Them: "I got my period." *them hurting*. Me: "Told ya."