ME jokes

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

If your parents ever accuse you of lying... Say, "You're the one who told me about Santa Claus!"

They struggled to lift the weights, but I got watermelon to keep me in shape.

Kidnapper: Hey kid, your parents told me to pick you up.

Kid: Sir, this is an orphanage.

Kidnapper: ...

Hi, my name is Uncle Joe, and I like kids in a way that makes their parents not trust me anymore.

Me: Knock knock.

My sister: Who's there?

Me: I eat mop.

My sister: I eat mop who?

My mind: I eat my poo.

My sister getting it.

Someone asked me what the lines on my wrist were from. I answered, "My cat has OCD."

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.

Girlfriend's ex: Why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.

This shit is weird (as baby girl pees).

Dad: “Trust me, shitting is weirder.”

Her: I love Kobe Bryant!

Me: Helicopter Helicopter

Her:.....

Me: At least you don't say save the trees, cus damn Kobe is good.

Your hairline is lookin' so crusty like KFC chicken and be so discombobulated that it looks like satellite signals. It gives me flippin' sun radiation.

Like if you like dogs. Dislike if you like cats. Other animal? Tell me in the comments!

"What did the orphan say to the other orphan? \"You have a dad? Say he can have me, I will (let) you, so he can adopt me.\""

When younger girls say, "I want my period, or it will not be bad."

*eating chocolate in bed crying* My face at them when they say that. 🤣🙄😵

Them: "I got my period." *them hurting*. Me: "Told ya."

Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.

Everyone at the barbecue...

Me: What is the difference between your mom and a mosquito?

Friend: Let me guess, they both suck you.

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”

Patient: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...

It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shiii fuck ur mom.

Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password.

Me: Sorry mate, it's so short, get a longer one! 🤣