ME jokes

If she’s old enough to breed, she’s old enough for me.

Waiter: Can I have your order?

Me: No, it’s mine!

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

This name makes me want to close season instead of open it.

I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?

Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.

Thank you, nurse!

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."

Man: Hey Siri!

Siri: Yes?

Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?

Siri: Uh...

*phone literally explodes*

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"What are you shaking for? She’s going to eat me!"

How many letters are in the English Alphabet?

Twenty-two. ET went home, P ran down his leg, and he took ME with him.

I find that a lot of butts CRACK me up.

For all the online haters on me, comment here, be honest.

Friend: If you could get rid of any one person in your life, who would it be?

Me: Me.

Friend: *does nothing*

(x_x)

I forgot that I don't have friends.

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"

Family are together playing charades.

Me: "50 Shades of Grey!" Yes, I'm so good at charades! Put your shirt back on, Nan!

What do a 14-year-old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They both say, "Ohh sh*t, my mom is going to kill me!"

I saw a little boy begging for money.

I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents!"

Gf: Babe, do you love me?

Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.

Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...

Bf: Exactly.

Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far, no one has given me a straight answer.