ME jokes
What’s the difference between a mediocre thief and professional thief?
The mediocre thief will say “give me all your money!”
And a professional thief will say “sign here please.”
I once asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite... He said, "NaBrO."
My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."
So I said, "Okay."
What does the right eye say to the left eye?
Between you and me, something smells!
What's the difference between me and my best friends?
At least one of us has a house.
Do you like tree jokes? Because they leaf me in tears! :3
Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!
What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.
Do you love water?
Then you love 75% of me!
Family are together playing charades.
Me: "50 Shades of Grey!" Yes, I'm so good at charades! Put your shirt back on, Nan!
Some dude: Water you thinking?
Me: You're drowning in my head.
Friend: If you could get rid of any one person in your life, who would it be?
Me: Me.
Friend: *does nothing*
(x_x)
I forgot that I don't have friends.
I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.
I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!
Guys, can we change pride month to another month, please? My birthday is in June, and I'm not gay, and my friends keep making fun of me. I think we should change it to March because my brother's birthday is in March, and that'd be funny.
So, me and my girlfriend that I just got 7 weeks ago, we’re in class. We had this sub named Mrs. Bellatrix.
We both raised our hands and she called on both of us.
Me: First of all, are we in kindergarten? We can’t be doing 4x4 kinda stuff.
Leah: And also, are you from Harry Potter?
I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.
Brrr, it's fucking cold outside, aye? What do you guys want for Christmas? A sweet video game? Maybe a cool action figure? Oh, how about the latest phone!
Who me? Oh, I guess... I wish snow could melt as fast as the snowflakes that downvote good jokes! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
A man was walking home but felt tired, so took a short cut through the cemetery. He then heard a tap, tap, then out of the corner of his eye, he saw a man with a hammer hitting the tombstone. The man said, "You scared me. I thought you were a ghost." The other person mumbled, "They spelled my name wrong."
I was in class doing sex education. We were learning about sexual stereotypes.
My teacher turns to the class and asks, "If anyone could tell him what a sexual stereotype was?"
So I raised my hand and said, "Asians have small penis." He looked at me and said, "Very good, but I was looking for a definition."