ME jokes

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

Hi, I'm Madison, but for short you can call me Alex.

OMG TYSM FOR HELPING ME REACH 30 FOLLOWERS!

🎆

This disabled girl started rolling after me, so I ran to the stairs. 🤣🤣 LOL

MISSING MISSING!!! 😢😢

NAME: PRUNO PENANDES 👍🤝

MISSING: 27/6/21 VS BELGIUM 🤔🤔

LAST SEEN: DIVING AT OLD TRAFFORD, CRYING TO REFEREES🤬😿

POSSIBLE LOCATIONS: PENALTY SPOT🥅

"GIVE ME PENALTY”🤬🤬

"I ONLY STATPAD AGAINST FARMERS MY FRIEND"😁😁

I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.

Boy: *scares girl*

Girl: "Gosh, you scared me, Jesus!"

Jesus: *Arrives out of nowhere and said, "What is it, human? I got work to do."*

Girl: What work?

Jesus: "Coming out of nowhere when people say 'Jesus.'"

Hey girl, are you osteoporosis, because you're giving me a "bone" condition.

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

When I become a parent, I’m gonna regurgitate my food to feed my children.

It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.

My parents love me.

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

Child: Mom, someone told me you talk like an owl.

Teacher: Who?

Child: Oh, it is true, you do talk like an owl!

Why am I banned from my Catholic orphanage?

Because the children kept calling me "daddy."

One time the dog got bit by a snake, so my dad had to shoot it. My dad said to me, "This is what's going to happen to your little brother." "What little brother?" Exactly.

Kobe: Stop doing dark humor!

Me: Why? They don't land well together?

Knock, knock.

Moon, give me cheese.

I like you, you like me.

Let’s go out and kill Barney with a big shot gun. Barney’s on the floor, no more purple dinosaur. 🌸🌸🌸🌺🌺🌺🥀🥀🥀RIP BARNEY