ME jokes
My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.
My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."
Me: Yo wanna play 9/11?
My Friend: What’s that?
Me: It’s a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I hate you.
I hate you who?
You hate me?? Rude!
Spare.
You got a spare, spare me an inch of that far juicy cock.
Memes
One day I was saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, “Yeah, what gave me away?” I said, “His parents.”
Whoever said that about me better pray!
Neona (😞): Are you mad at me?
Gwen (😌): Me? NEVER! Sometimes we listen and don't listen, let's just hug it out!
Neona (😁): Agreed!
Orphan: My mommy and daddy love me.
Guy: Where are they then?
Orphan: In the eternal depths of [hell].
Wanna come hang out with me?
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...
When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.
Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!
Me: *watching TV*
Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!
Me: Really?
Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.
Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!
What are the similarities between a broken tire and me?
We were both caused by broken rubber.
Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁
Me: Mom, stop, you are not funny. You never make jokes.
Mom: I made you.
Alya, I need to talk to you now. If you don't reply, I will kermit the not living, and if you don't think I will, I will post your OnlyFans photos I get every month for $5.99 a week (high price if you ask me)!
Me: What’s the definition of “ignorance”?
Friend: Don’t know?
Me: U STUPID!