ME jokes

My friend told me an EMO joke once, and I said, "EMO jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.

For some reason, my mom likes to lick and suck on hotdogs. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.

I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.

Are you a builder, because you give me an erection.

Me: Truth or dare?

Crush: Dare.

Me: I dare you to give me your phone number.

Crush: Umm nevermind, truth.

Me: Ok, what is your phone number?

There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.

What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”

Figure: Who wants to play hide and seek?

Seek and Hide: Me.

Figure: Okay, hide and I will hide and Seek will be it.

Seek: Why do I have to be it?

Figure: Because your name says so.

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No, it doesn't."

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

I drip when you take me in the mouth, what am I? Ice cream.

Me when the your, uh, uhhhh, when your me when the your, uhhh, uhhhhh, mom.

Me running from the table where the Emo table with a happy meal.

Me running from the table where the Emos sit with a Happy Meal.

Kid me: I lost my stick.

Teacher: No, you didn’t.

Kid me: How do you know that?

Teacher: It’s hanging out of your pants.

My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!