ME jokes

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

They're not jokes, they're notes now, get me?

I am in trouble.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

Baby: Stroll?

Me: *puts baby in stroller* WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL!

Baby: *happily screams*

Stroller: *front wheels break off*

Me: WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL WITH NO FRONT WHEELS!

Baby: Oka- CRASH!

Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now you’re fatter than me."

When the bully says, "You're adopted," so you hit him with, "At least someone wanted me!"

I don't really understand 9/11 jokes, but they eventually hit me like a plane.

Me: Mom, can I have some makeup?

Mom: No. You are beautiful just the way you are.

Me: So that’s why you wear makeup?

Any 8 year old: Sus!

Me: Jake, we're at a funeral!

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

I caught my wife cheating on me.

I beat my son and grounded him.

I couldn’t figure out why the football kept getting bigger... then it hit me!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Chicken.

Chicken who?

Are you chicken me????!!!!

When I got to school, they gave me an Acer laptop, so I went up to the teacher and aced her.

What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?

We're all empty on the inside.

What do you call an orphan's family region?

Me time.

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

I am like mushrooms. Nobody likes me, but everybody tolerates me.