ME jokes

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Me: Hi Jacob!

Jacob: Hi.

Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!

Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH

What's the difference between me and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.

One day I was just sitting around when my butthole began to grow larger. It grew and grew and began to engulf the other parts of my body until it swallowed them all. Now I am just a big butthole typing this. Please help me!

She later made me a sandwich, and she cut the crust off it.

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.

I said "Uranus!" and the girl beside me face-palmed. I wonder what I did wrong?

I ran into a dwarf, and he said, “Well, I’m not happy.”

Me: Then which one are you?

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

If I could make someone tell me their last words, they'd say, "Make me."

One day, Jim saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. He asked if he was an orphan.

The kid said, “Yeah, what gave me away?”

Jim said, “I don’t see any parents.”

My mom told me that her doctor told her personally that she had to keep herself isolated because she has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great ass.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

My science teacher asked me what is found inside cells.

I guess "blacks" wasn't the right answer.

So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

What is the difference between an ISIS training camp and a school?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"