ME jokes

Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.

Her: I am scared!

Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.

Me walking in to the office:

Principal: Tell me what you did?

Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

Riddle me this, Batman, what's long, round, and has cum in the middle?

Batman: A dick.

Riddler: NO NO NOOO! It's a cucumber!

I'm Asian and there is a saying that dogs are man's best friends. They are my best friends because they keep me from starving.

Anyone want to eat me up? I'm in that kind of mood right now.

My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.

Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."

I wish death was in the form of a woman.

That way, it would never come for me.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

I recently got pulled over by the cops and started spazzing out because of the police lights.

He arrested me for impersonating George Floyd.

*I have seizures*

In 2001, my parents took me to 9/11. I was soaring towards it with excitement!

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

What is the difference between an ISIS training camp and a school?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”

The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”

Guess who dies next.

Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."

The other day I went on a romantic cruise in Hawaii. Then I met my girl Zendaya on board. She was shaking her ass and playing with her penis. Then she asked me, "Hey, you wanna make love in the cabin?" I said, "Sure, sweet thang," gave me her number, kissed me on the cheek. Next day she woke up because it was a romantic nightmare.

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......