ME jokes

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me :3

Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?

I Googled "How to start a Wildfire." It gave me 28,452 matches.

Me: Knock knock.

Person: Who's there?

Me: No-one.

Person: No-one who?

Me:...........

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

"Fuck me, Jarry."

So I was doing a project in my class and my teacher asked me to give an example of allusion, which is referencing something else with a word.

So I answered, “Jane 9/11ed her little sister's Jenga kit!”

The principal's office smells nice.

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

I went to school and everyone was screaming and looking at me. They weren't after I shot them, though.

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Oh, you need a lesbian joke?

Uhh... gimme a second....

Me???

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......

I lent my sister my bed. The next morning, she told me it worked like a dream.

Mom: Go water the plants.

Me: But it’s raining outside.

Mom: Go grab the umbrella.

Me: What???

A B C D E F G.

Gummy bears are chasing me, one is red, one is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life because the red one's got a knife!

What’s the difference between a mediocre thief and professional thief?

The mediocre thief will say “give me all your money!”

And a professional thief will say “sign here please.”

Sans: Why couldn't the skeleton go to prom?

Papyrus: Why? AND YOU KNOW I HATE PUNS!

Sans: Because they had NO BODY to go with.

Papyrus: THAT IS ENOUGH!!!

Sans: Sorry, didn't mean to GET UNDER YOUR SKIN.

Papyrus: YOU HAVE MADE ME MAD TO THE BONE SANS......wait

Sans: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"

A llama kicked me out of my house. Alpaca my bags.

People: Stop joking about such serious issues!

Me: Kill yourself.