ME jokes

My crush rejected me 2 years ago, and I still have never moved on. I'll be over her when a train is over me.

Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.

Anyone want to eat me up? I'm in that kind of mood right now.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

Riddle me this, Batman, what's long, round, and has cum in the middle?

Batman: A dick.

Riddler: NO NO NOOO! It's a cucumber!

Me: Knock knock. Bestie: Who's there? Me: Ben. Bestie: Ben Dover? Me: No, Ben vuyictrbjovtfcybugxrrx. Bestie: Omg how did I forget, hi vuyictrbjovtfcybugxrrx!

When people tell me to "go to hell," I tell them their address.

I played Rock Paper Scissors with my friend Enyaw. I cba with jokes basically me and Enyaw always scissor.

Once I asked Siri to tell me a joke, and it asked me, "What is the difference between a large pizza and you?" One can feed a family.

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."

I recently got pulled over by the cops and started spazzing out because of the police lights.

He arrested me for impersonating George Floyd.

*I have seizures*

I'm Asian and there is a saying that dogs are man's best friends. They are my best friends because they keep me from starving.

My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.

Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."

NASA called me and they said they reached your hairline.

What is the difference between me and Paul Walker?

I’ve watched Fast and Furious Seven.

I wish death was in the form of a woman.

That way, it would never come for me.

Them: What's on your arm?

Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My mom gives me your stuff because you have bad grades.

Me: How about my 5 little brothers? I have A's; he has F's.

She lets him play anyway and I don't.