ME jokes

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"

Can I watch you?

Yes, you can watch me your watch.

No, I mean can I WATCH you?

I don't get it. 😑 *facepalm*.

OOOOOOH YOU MEAN WATCH WITH YOUR EYES! YES!

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her... she had really bad balance.

Butt plug, oh butt plug, get out of me.

Butt plug, oh butt plug, get in my mouth, oh how I wanna taste you.

Oh, butt plug, oh butt plug, something is nutty.

My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.

Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

I was coming out of airport and a rober kept his gun on my head I requested him please don't kill me as I have my old mom and dad at my home . Kill Them.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.

We were so poor my dad would give me a penny not to eat supper.

I'd put it under my pillow and while I was sleeping, he would come in and take it. In the morning, he would holler at me for losing the penny.

Would you rather date me or a lady?

I laid deez nuts in your mouth.

Your mom has a bone to pick with me.

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

"Excuse me, you're in my sun (son)."

1 like = 1 kid in the bed with me.

My dad told me I'm a failure.

I failed a math test.

Good thing there's a pole outside my house.

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

Friend: If you could get rid of any one person in your life, who would it be?

Me: Me.

Friend: *does nothing*

(x_x)

I forgot that I don't have friends.

So a girl says, "You're so ugly to me," and she says, "I’m the prettiest girl." I say, "Yeah, a pretty girl for an ogre 👹!"