ME jokes

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ken.

Ken who?

Can you walk the dog for me?

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

This pun is so bad you're gonna punch me.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

Stephen was a mad role model. He never taught me to stand up for myself.

My dad is really angry at me for kicking the balls. He's the one that told me always aim for them. Is that why I don't have a brother?

Me: Why can't orphans play baseball? Friend: Why? Me: Because they can't find home.

"Suck me off, daddy, I'm doing homework."

My teacher got so mad at me for making 9/11 jokes, she hit me twice and I said, "Damn, got hit twice!"

Dude, if there is a watermelon, shouldn't there be an earthmelon, airmelon, and a firemelon? The elemelons.

I love when I could run through the grass and feel the wind on my face.

Then my mom told me to get off VR, and then I wheeled myself to her.

I'm 17, right? Anyways, the other day my parents told me a joke they made 17 years ago, but they still haven't told the joke yet.

Hi everyone, today I am taking requests for anything you want me to say.

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

Bully: I can't understand you because I don't speak ugly language.

Me: And I don't speak idiot language.

My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!

The dark side of kid songs:

You got a friend in me... you got a friend in me!

Waiter: "Here you go, one medium-rare steak."

Me: "I like it well done."

Waiter: "Thanks, that means a lot!"

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.

F*** man, I just need a f***ing loli to walk all over me!