ME jokes

Hey girl, are you my boss? 'Cause you just gave me a raise.

My ex-wife misses me, but her aim is getting better.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies. (This does not apply to me. It's a joke.)

I went to visit my childhood home. I asked the owners if I could come in for some nostalgic memories. They said no and slammed the door on me. My parents are so mean.

People have been telling me that you can get things for free now.

The other day I saw a sign saying "FREE PALESTINE."

Who is yourself, and why do people keep telling me to kill him?

I played Rock Paper Scissors with my friend Enyaw. I cba with jokes basically me and Enyaw always scissor.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

My friend: To get to the other side?

Me: No, to get to the idiot's house.

My friend: Oh.

Me: Knock knock.

My friend: Who's there?

Me: The chicken.

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.

F*** man, I just need a f***ing loli to walk all over me!

Stephen was a mad role model. He never taught me to stand up for myself.

What did the fat guy say when he fell off the ladder? "Catch me!"

Hi everyone, today I am taking requests for anything you want me to say.

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

Can't be bothered with jokes, me and Syd Drake f**k 24/7.

I'm 17, right? Anyways, the other day my parents told me a joke they made 17 years ago, but they still haven't told the joke yet.

"Suck me off, daddy, I'm doing homework."

Bully: I can't understand you because I don't speak ugly language.

Me: And I don't speak idiot language.

My teacher got so mad at me for making 9/11 jokes, she hit me twice and I said, "Damn, got hit twice!"

Dude, if there is a watermelon, shouldn't there be an earthmelon, airmelon, and a firemelon? The elemelons.