ME jokes

Me: "The villain has a point, you know."

Everyone else watching the WW2 documentary:

You're the sun in my life, now get 93 million miles away from me.

What did the fat guy say when he fell off the ladder? "Catch me!"

Who is yourself, and why do people keep telling me to kill him?

I played Rock Paper Scissors with my friend Enyaw. I cba with jokes basically me and Enyaw always scissor.

Can't be bothered with jokes, me and Syd Drake f**k 24/7.

My sister told me only onions make you cry, so I always hit her back when she hit me, but I hit her with a shoe only to catch her cry.

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

My friend: To get to the other side?

Me: No, to get to the idiot's house.

My friend: Oh.

Me: Knock knock.

My friend: Who's there?

Me: The chicken.

My ex-wife misses me, but her aim is getting better.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies. (This does not apply to me. It's a joke.)

I went to visit my childhood home. I asked the owners if I could come in for some nostalgic memories. They said no and slammed the door on me. My parents are so mean.

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.

They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.

Me calling the orphan kid from school: "Hello, are your parents home?"

The orphan kid: *starts sobbing* "STOP CALLING HERE!"

They tried to make me laugh, but I was already DYING.

I once was playing with my friend and Roblox girlfriend, then one day, they cheated on me. I broke up with her and unfriended him, then I saw my mom and my uncle crying!

Me be like: ;-;

Once I asked Siri to tell me a joke, and it asked me, "What is the difference between a large pizza and you?" One can feed a family.

It took me 9.11 seconds to realize.

B: Can you please stop roasting me?

A: At least the "roasting" that I did to you didn't burn you to death.