ME jokes

I love when I could run through the grass and feel the wind on my face.

Then my mom told me to get off VR, and then I wheeled myself to her.

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Once I asked Siri to tell me a joke, and it asked me, "What is the difference between a large pizza and you?" One can feed a family.

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."

My sister told me only onions make you cry, so I always hit her back when she hit me, but I hit her with a shoe only to catch her cry.

They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.

They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.

Me: Why can't orphans play baseball? Friend: Why? Me: Because they can't find home.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!

The dark side of kid songs:

You got a friend in me... you got a friend in me!

Waiter: "Here you go, one medium-rare steak."

Me: "I like it well done."

Waiter: "Thanks, that means a lot!"

It took me 9.11 seconds to realize.

This pun is so bad you're gonna punch me.

Little Herobrine, I'm cumming in ur mom! Call me Saddam Hussein cuz I'm dropping rap bombs!!

What's the difference between Putin and Hitler? I don’t know, you tell me.

My dad died in 9/11, and that was the second worst thing that happened to me with a plane, next to Soul Plane.

This orphan showed me a family photo.

But it was just a selfie.

"Me tells dad joke often."

"I want to hear it."

"Me? You wouldn't get it."

Police: Come with me, I’m taking you home.

Orphan: Well, we need to find them first.

Police: Then I don’t need to take you home.

Your mama is so fat when Santa went down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, ho, holy shit, you're fatter than me, bitch!"