ME jokes

A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.

My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).

So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."

I saw a kid crying. I asked him what's wrong, where are your parents? They paused and looked at me funny... GOD I LOVE WORKING AT AN ORPHANAGE.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

Me: The man sleeped in a $200 bed in His hole life so why dose he need a $2,000 coffin?

My friend: They're cheaper at Costco.

Me: Oh shit, you're going to have "fun" this weekend.

Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"

Girl: "Dude, this is a library."

Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)

According to all known laws of aviation,

there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway

because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.

Barry! Breakfast is ready!

Coming!

Hang on a second.

Hello?

- Barry? - Adam?

- Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.

Looking sharp.

Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.

Sorry. I'm excited.

Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.

A perfect report card, all B's.

Very proud.

Ma! I got a thing going here.

- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!

- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!

Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!

Gay follow me on TikTok @thatpunkid.

So NFL teams were playing football on me, and then Justin Jefferson hit something called "the gritty" on me.

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

Me: Have you seen the movie Constipation?

You: No.

Me: Because it hasn’t come out yet! ERMINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I find that a lot of butts CRACK me up.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

I couldn’t understand why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger.

Then it hit me.

Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.

My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.

Me: *looks at person's hand* This guy doesn't have fingers!

Random person with no fingers: Why do you have to point that out?