ME jokes

What's the difference between me and Bill Cosby?

I haven't been caught.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. She came crawling back!

My mom and dad: KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT! Me: What's for dinner? Mom and Dad: Food.

The next day KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR FOOD! My brother and sister: What's for dinner? Me: Food ;-;

Me after I watch a brother and sister do it: "Me, sister, let's do it";-;

When my bro says "YOUR MOM" when I'm talking when I'm at school, and my friend says "YOUR MOM," me punches him;-;

My mom gives me your stuff because you have bad grades.

Me: How about my 5 little brothers? I have A's; he has F's.

She lets him play anyway and I don't.

My crush rejected me 2 years ago, and I still have never moved on. I'll be over her when a train is over me.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.

Follow me.

Me: Hi Jacob!

Jacob: Hi.

Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!

Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.

Girl: I’m so in love with you!

Boy: Me too. I think you’re abcdefghijk: aesthetic, beautiful, cool, determined, elegant, famous, hot.

Girl: What’s the ijk?

Boy: I’m just kidding.

Me: Knock knock. Bestie: Who's there? Me: Ben. Bestie: Ben Dover? Me: No, Ben vuyictrbjovtfcybugxrrx. Bestie: Omg how did I forget, hi vuyictrbjovtfcybugxrrx!

Enough with the Hitler jokes. They make me Fuhrer-ious!

People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them.

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

Today my biology teacher asked me what's commonly found in a cell......... And apparently "black people" isn't the right answer.