ME jokes

I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

But I got seven Up.

So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!

And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.

B: Can you please stop roasting me?

A: At least the "roasting" that I did to you didn't burn you to death.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a bomb strapped to your chest and a detonator in your hand?

I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.

He hugged me!

Popular guy in class: I am so funny.

Me: Your parents are funny as they made a joke and people are still laughing at it.

Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

Pass me the sugar, Sugar!

Pass me the honey, Honey!

Pass me the teabag!

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?

My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?

Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?

Person: Sure.

Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.

Person: Dear God...

My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.

Me as a 5-year-old: How do you relate to the Twin Towers?

Friend: What?

Me: Every time I think of them, I feel sad.

Me: I'm afraid of random letters.

Therapist: You are?

Me: [screams]

Therapist: Oh, I see.

Me: [screaming intensifies]

Q: What did the kid say to the emo kid?

A: Don't leave me hanging!

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.