ME jokes

A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

I asked for emotional support. They handed me a mirror and said, "Talk to someone who cares."

One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!

I used to date this girl only to find out she's a guy.

I guess you can say she had me in a trans.

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

¡Hola, soy Dora!

Can you help me find the two fucks I'm supposed to give?!

Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.

Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."

NASA called me and they said they reached your hairline.

I wish death was in the form of a woman.

That way, it would never come for me.

My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.

But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"

My friend just told me about reverse exorcisms.

In these, the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

Sometimes I look back at everything bad I have done. I tell myself it's ok, they're just telling me to keep myself safe :)

That's it, it wasn't a joke.

Me: Knock knock. Bestie: Who's there? Me: Ben. Bestie: Ben Dover? Me: No, Ben vuyictrbjovtfcybugxrrx. Bestie: Omg how did I forget, hi vuyictrbjovtfcybugxrrx!

Enough with the Hitler jokes. They make me Fuhrer-ious!

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.

Girl: I’m so in love with you!

Boy: Me too. I think you’re abcdefghijk: aesthetic, beautiful, cool, determined, elegant, famous, hot.

Girl: What’s the ijk?

Boy: I’m just kidding.

Her: "Land of the free".

Me: *fat*

Her: What do you mean?

Me: It's not fat-free.