Marriage jokes
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"
I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
Why do Jedis stay single?
Because they use "divorce" (the Force).
May divorce be with you!
When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."
Memes
Once upon a time, there was a man named Jake who woke up one morning to find his wife and her wheelchair missing. He searched high and low, but they were nowhere to be found. Desperate to find them, he put up posters all over town offering a reward.
A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."
Cameron and Pav.
Dishwasher rape is another word for marital obligations.
Who comes when an orphan gets married? They are allowed back in family restaurants, but when I go in alone, I'm not allowed. I have some parents, for God's sake!
And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses' wife said, "Are you going to ask for directions, or what?"
Wife: Honey, I love you.
Husband: I love you all.
Wife: Awww.......... Wait WHAT?!?!??!
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
So I was at the store and I saw a pretty woman, and I said, "Hi."
Quickly, she said, "I am not interested. I have a husband."
And when I saw the woman again, she said, "I need help."
I said, "No, call your husband!" KARMA. 😂😜
Wife is texting husband:
"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"
Husband: "seilghsielguG"
Wife: "Seriously, David?"
Husband: "fuweyadb"
At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"
At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"
If two stoners get married, do they have joint assets?
Why didn't Neptune marry Saturn?
Because he knew he wasn't hot!
What did the man say to his wife? "Make me a damn sandwich, woman!"
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
Said the man angered to his wife:
"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"