Marriage jokes

Wife is texting husband:

"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"

Husband: "seilghsielguG"

Wife: "Seriously, David?"

Husband: "fuweyadb"

If two stoners get married, do they have joint assets?

Why didn't Neptune marry Saturn?

Because he knew he wasn't hot!

At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"

At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"

What did the man say to his wife? "Make me a damn sandwich, woman!"

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

I caught my wife having s*x with another guy.

What's a man's favorite thing that starts with "m" and ends with "arriage?"

Miscarriage.

Said the man angered to his wife:

"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"

Mia: I'm pregnant again, Paul. I can't wait for you to come home.

Paul: I got a tree to hit on the way.

How do you tell when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Why did my wife leave me?

I wish I knew.

Wife: Stop telling rape jokes, it's not funny. Husband: Who raped you this morning?

My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.

I don't ever really bother women, but when I do, I usually just want to talk. I guess since I just so happened to be a straight male that's not a 10 or a 5, I get shutdown so fast. I put out lit candles...like damn, I thought I hid my ring.

What did one cheese say to the other cheese?

"Hello, it's a nice day, do you have any plans on what you're going to do?"... The other cheese was taken back by his politeness and friendliness, they agreed to meet again, and were soon married and lived happily ever after. Let this tale of the two cheeses inspire you to be a better person.

Why do orphans want to get married so bad?

To have someone to call "daddy."

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

Dishwasher rape is another word for marital obligations.