Marriage jokes
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
Why do Jedis stay single?
Because they use "divorce" (the Force).
May divorce be with you!
What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce down south?
Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer.
Memes
Once upon a time, there was a man named Jake who woke up one morning to find his wife and her wheelchair missing. He searched high and low, but they were nowhere to be found. Desperate to find them, he put up posters all over town offering a reward.
When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."
Dishwasher rape is another word for marital obligations.
Who comes when an orphan gets married? They are allowed back in family restaurants, but when I go in alone, I'm not allowed. I have some parents, for God's sake!
And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses' wife said, "Are you going to ask for directions, or what?"
Cameron and Pav.
Wife: Honey, I love you.
Husband: I love you all.
Wife: Awww.......... Wait WHAT?!?!??!
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
So I was at the store and I saw a pretty woman, and I said, "Hi."
Quickly, she said, "I am not interested. I have a husband."
And when I saw the woman again, she said, "I need help."
I said, "No, call your husband!" KARMA. 😂😜
Wife is texting husband:
"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"
Husband: "seilghsielguG"
Wife: "Seriously, David?"
Husband: "fuweyadb"
If two stoners get married, do they have joint assets?
Why didn't Neptune marry Saturn?
Because he knew he wasn't hot!
At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"
At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"
What did the man say to his wife? "Make me a damn sandwich, woman!"