Marriage jokes

And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses' wife said, "Are you going to ask for directions, or what?"

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

So I was at the store and I saw a pretty woman, and I said, "Hi."

Quickly, she said, "I am not interested. I have a husband."

And when I saw the woman again, she said, "I need help."

I said, "No, call your husband!" KARMA. 😂😜

Does Donald know his wife is Mexican?

Wife is texting husband:

"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"

Husband: "seilghsielguG"

Wife: "Seriously, David?"

Husband: "fuweyadb"

At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"

At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"

My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?

If two stoners get married, do they have joint assets?

Why didn't Neptune marry Saturn?

Because he knew he wasn't hot!

What did the man say to his wife? "Make me a damn sandwich, woman!"

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

Mia: I'm pregnant again, Paul. I can't wait for you to come home.

Paul: I got a tree to hit on the way.

I caught my wife having s*x with another guy.

What's a man's favorite thing that starts with "m" and ends with "arriage?"

Miscarriage.

Said the man angered to his wife:

"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"

How do you tell when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Why did my wife leave me?

I wish I knew.

I don't ever really bother women, but when I do, I usually just want to talk. I guess since I just so happened to be a straight male that's not a 10 or a 5, I get shutdown so fast. I put out lit candles...like damn, I thought I hid my ring.

My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.

Wife: Stop telling rape jokes, it's not funny. Husband: Who raped you this morning?