Marriage jokes

Before: Caring & Noble.

After: Chernobyl.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.

A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"

what do you call it when you get married in Panera Bread?

Panera Wed.

How do emos propose?

"Would you like to join my family tree?"

There was a wedding so sad that even the cake was in tiers.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."