Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.
A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.
Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?
A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.
A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"
what do you call it when you get married in Panera Bread?
Panera Wed.
How do emos propose?
"Would you like to join my family tree?"
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.
Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.
Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.
But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
There was a wedding so sad that even the cake was in tiers.
My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.
You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
