I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I canteloupe.
My wife cheated on me with my brother She didn't have a sister so I improvised and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a connection
My wife told me pass her lip stck but i gave her a glue stick now she is not talking to me
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better so i sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wifes broken leg.
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says who the fucks be fucking my wife the room goes silent, the guy in the back finishes his beer and says you ain't got enough bullets.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Husband: I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time Wife: You have the biggest penis out of all your friends
Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible but the reception was great!
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’
i thought my wife was joking when she said she was gunna leave me because i wouldn’t stop singing “im a believer” but then i saw her face
The Wife said "Honey! Do you like my new Teeth?"
The Husband replied "They remind me of stars Darling!" "Yellow and Far apart"
Therapist: so what brought you here today? wife: he's too literal Therapist: and you sir? husband: my truck
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet and the wife said yaknow weve been good about our diet lets have a cheat night tonight. The wife came home with kfc and wendys. the husband came home with sylvia from the office.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
Before Marriage Boy:At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No don't even thing about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyy😍 After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.
my wife called me pedophile that is a big word for 2 year old
what does a necrophiliac get at a wedding? mourning wood
Why couldn’t the dwarf husband make his wife pregnant?
Because of his short cummings.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password
