Marriage jokes
My wife is like a mirror.
I can never look at it.
If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage cos or tan?
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Pro marriage tip: Let your wife know you’re all about women’s rights. There’s no reason she needs to talk that much; it’s not like replying to her is voice activated.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
Before: Caring & Noble.
After: Chernobyl.
I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"
Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.
You marry a single mother with an adult daughter. Now, your father marries the daughter. So, your father is your son now, because he is married to your daughter-in-law. But as your father's son and your father's father, you're your own grandpa!
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
What's white and bloody?
Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."
My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.