Marriage jokes

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

Why did Ms. Grapes 🍇 want to marry Mr. Grapes 🍇?

Because she loves raisin kids.

A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.

Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?

Because they had a connection.

Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!

A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

Therapist: So what brought you here today?

Wife: He's too literal.

Therapist: And you, sir?

Husband: My truck.

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

Why couldn’t the dwarf husband make his wife pregnant?

Because of his short cummings.

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.

My wife is like a mirror.

I can never look at it.