Marriage jokes

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?

Just too bitter.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?

Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.

A Russian wedding should be called a Soviet Union.

*Riddle:* All men have one, some got long, some got small. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife after getting married. What is it?

Marry or don't marry, you will regret both!

Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?

A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and went right.

A married woman asked her husband if he saw the future. The husband answered her, "I have no eye, dear."

I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.

He hugged me!

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

Why did Santa stop at three ho's?

Ms. Claus caught him.

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming?

"Want to see if it fits?"

I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.

Why did Michael Jackson divorce LMP? She didn't want to give him kids.

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!