My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?
My wife hates that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
*Riddle:* All men have one, some got long, some got small. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife after getting married. What is it?
Marry or don't marry, you will regret both!
I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.
He hugged me!
It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.
A married woman asked her husband if he saw the future. The husband answered her, "I have no eye, dear."
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
The job keeps sucking after 5 years.
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
What’s the difference between Geico and a wife?
Geico saves you more.
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Wanna hear a joke about Donald Trump?
Ok, Melania totally married him for his good looks, believe me!
A man marries a blonde chick, lives a happy life together, and the man asks his wife if she wants kids. She says "yes".
So, a couple of years go by, and they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards, and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question!"
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
