Marriage Jokes

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

Woman: What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich?

Husband: I know! How about you COMEBACK with a goddamn sandwich?

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.

The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.

An older couple standing close together, with the wife's arm around her husband. The text above says "Me as a wife annoying my husband until the end of time." The URL boredpanda.com is at the bottom right of the image.

If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...

...is that a romantic jester?

What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

"Wait, I can explain everything!"

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."

My sex life.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"

"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don't worry, it's just a couple.

If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage cos or tan?

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"

She replied, "Two or three."

Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."