Marriage

Marriage Jokes

Wife

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

Fridge

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Coma

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

Chris Rock

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

Divorce

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

Condom

A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."

Wife

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

She comes home with sparkles on her face.

Wife

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

Bee

What do bees do when they get married?

They go on a honeymoon.

Orphan

Why can't an orphan get married? It doesn't have its parents' blessing.

Family

You marry a single mother with an adult daughter. Now, your father marries the daughter. So, your father is your son now, because he is married to your daughter-in-law. But as your father's son and your father's father, you're your own grandpa!

Day

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

Wife

Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?

Only the wife was hung up.

Divorce

If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?