Marriage jokes

How does a cannibal start a wedding reception?

He toasts the groom.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

Ariana Grande had 7 husbands, so she had 7 rings.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

She comes home with sparkles on her face.

What do bees do when they get married?

They go on a honeymoon.

Why don’t cheetahs get married?

They always cheat on each other.

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

You marry a single mother with an adult daughter. Now, your father marries the daughter. So, your father is your son now, because he is married to your daughter-in-law. But as your father's son and your father's father, you're your own grandpa!

Why doesn't Kermit the frog get married?

He doesn't like commitment.

Why can't an orphan get married? It doesn't have its parents' blessing.

Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?

Only the wife was hung up.