Marriage jokes

You marry a single mother with an adult daughter. Now, your father marries the daughter. So, your father is your son now, because he is married to your daughter-in-law. But as your father's son and your father's father, you're your own grandpa!

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don't worry, it's just a couple.

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?

Only the wife was hung up.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

Why are orphan weddings so entertaining?

They get to walk themselves down the aisle.

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

"Wait, I can explain everything!"

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"