Marriage jokes
If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.
A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
What do bees do when they get married?
They go on a honeymoon.
Once upon a time, there was a man named Jake who woke up one morning to find his wife and her wheelchair missing. He searched high and low, but they were nowhere to be found. Desperate to find them, he put up posters all over town offering a reward.
My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
Why are wives also called a housekeeper?
Because after the divorce, they keep the house.
Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?
A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.
You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.
What are the wedding vows of a suicide bomber?
Til death do we park.
A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Why are orphan weddings so entertaining?
They get to walk themselves down the aisle.
How do emos propose?
"Would you like to join my family tree?"
Why did Ms. Grapes 🍇 want to marry Mr. Grapes 🍇?
Because she loves raisin kids.