Man

Man jokes

Dog

    • A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.

    The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.

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    • Coach

    • What do you call an older white man surrounded by young black men in the 1800s?

    Master.

    What do you call an older white man surrounded by young black men in the 2000s?

    Coach.

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    • Handicap

    • Why do you call a man that is physically handicapped and German?

    A physically handicapped bisexual man that is promiscuous and German.

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    • Man memes

    Insult

    • 1, 2 look at your shoes.

    3, 4 they look better than yours.

    5, 6 you have no friends.

    7, 8 you look like a ape.

    9, 10 don't you like men?

    11, 12 hell naw I like females.

    Sex

    • A couple is on their first date.

    Man: How do you feel about sex?

    Woman: I like it infrequently.

    Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

    Talking tree

    • A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

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    • Car crash

    • A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash.

    The gay guy says, "Somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!"

    The trucker says, "What the fuck did you just say, fucker? Get over here, I'm gonna wreck your ass!"

    The gay man then says, "It's okay, everybody, don't call the police! He wants to negotiate."

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    • Stereotype

    • Men, get into the kitchen and make me a sandwich!

    Women, go chop some lumber!

    White people, get back into the cotton fields!

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    • Sex worker

    • What do you call a physically disabled man who is sitting on the toilet inside the handicapped stall inside the men's restroom?

    Sex worker.

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    • Suicide

    • A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."

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    • Suicide hotline

    • Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

    The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

    The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

    Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

    A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

    "Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

    "My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

    "I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

    "I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

    Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

    "Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

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