Listening jokes
1. What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-bony.
2. Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
3. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had nobody to dance with.
4. What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
5. What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
6. Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
7. What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
8. Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
9. What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
10. How do French skeletons say hello?
“Bone-jour!”
11. What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
12. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
13. What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
“You’re dead to me.”
14. Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
15. Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
16. Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
17. What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
“Will you marrow me?”
18. When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
19. What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
20. Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
21. What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
22. How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
23. Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
24. What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire too long?
He became bone dry.
25. What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
26. What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
27. What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
28. What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
29. What does a skeleton fly in if his scare-plane isn’t available?
A skele-copter.
30. What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
“Bone voyage!”
31. What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
32. What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
33. Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
34. What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
35. What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
36. What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
37. Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
38. Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
39. What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
“You suck.”
40. Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
41. What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
“Looks like you are running a femur.”
42. What’s a skeleton’s favorite rock band?
The Grateful Dead.
43. What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
44. What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
45. Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
46. What is half the diameter of a skeletal circle?
The radius.
47. Why did the skeleton student stay late at school?
He was boning up for his exam.
48. What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
49. What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
50. What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
51. Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
52. How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
53. What Spanish food do skeletons enjoy most?
Patella.
54. What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
“I’m bone to be wild!”
55. Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
56. What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
57. What did the skeleton say to his wife?
“I love every bone in your body.”
58. What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
59. What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
60. How did skeletons send mail back in the olden days?
The Bony Express.
61. How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
62. What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
63. What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
64. Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
65. Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
66. Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
67. Why can’t skeletons fly over Area 51?
It’s a no-fly bone.
68. What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow mac
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.
What a weird way to start a conversation!
When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.
Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.
You have a father figure.
Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.
What's the difference between child abuse and abandonment?
The abused ones are forced to listen while being abused, while abandoned kids cry because they don't have parents anymore.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.
Because obviously she doesn’t listen.
Hillary Clinton is elected president...
And on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."
Jayden March, a name so bold, Never knew the joy of cookies untold. In a world of sugar and sweet delight, He stood apart, an unusual sight.
While others indulged in sugary bliss, Jayden abstained, dismissing the kiss Of chocolate chips and dough so divine, His willpower strong, his resolve intertwined.
No oatmeal raisin or double fudge, Could tempt his taste buds, not even a nudge. For Jayden March, a different path he took, In a world of cookies, he never partook.
His reasons unknown, a mystery untold, Perhaps he sought something purer than gold. Or maybe he craved a different kind of treat, One that couldn't be found in a cookie sheet.
But as the years passed by, curiosity grew, Whispers of wonder, questions anew. Why did Jayden March deny such delight? Was there a secret hidden in his resolute fight?
Some say he found solace in nature's embrace, In the rustle of leaves and the wind's gentle pace. Others believed his heart sought a different reward, In acts of kindness, love freely poured.
Jayden March, a man of mystery and grace, Marched to a beat only he could embrace. In a world of cookies, he found his own way, Leaving us wondering, pondering day by day.
For though he never tasted the sweetness of a treat, Jayden March's story remains incomplete. A reminder to us all, to explore and define, Our own desires, our own paths to find.
So let us celebrate Jayden's unique choice, And listen to the whisper of our own inner voice. For in a world of cookies, may we remember, That sometimes it's the journey, not the taste, we treasure.
I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.
But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
When does a computer function best? When it listens to its motherboard.
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music.
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where is the United States?" Hans asked.
His father pointed at a map of North America.
"Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be?" he questioned his father.
The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.
"And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?"
The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.
"Where is Germany again, Father?"
He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.
Hans pondered this information for a second. "One last question, Father."
"Yes?"
"Has Hitler seen this map?"
Me: I been up all night, no sleep--
The lie detector I didn’t know I had: Lie.
Me: stfu! I’m just singing!
Lie detector: You literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!
Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!
Lie detector: It’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM... You get waken up at 7:00 AM... you only sleep two hours......
Don't listen.
Okay, so I know this is not a joke, but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism, you are still amazing. You are lovely in every way, and if people bully you, don't listen because they are wrong. You are cute, and I know how it feels. I have ADHD, and I get bullied a lot, but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true. People with autism, stay strong; you got this. I will be your friend by heart, even if it's not in person.
I went up to the deaf kid and said, "I’m going to punch you in 3, 2, 1." And he ended up with a broken nose, and I said, "You should have listened to me!"