Like jokes

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

If a school shooter walks into a classroom and shoots an autistic kid, what does the kid say? "Why do I look like Swiss cheese?"

(Best pick-up line ever). Your body is like 9/11. I wanna crash into your twin towers. 😏

Why doesn't Kermit the frog get married?

He doesn't like commitment.

My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.

Withered Bonnie, more like Bonnie Mcnutt!

I’m like an escalator because I’m always letting people down.

I never do dark jokes, but when I feel like it, I prefer orphan jokes, 'cause they're the safest option. I mean, what are they gonna do, call their parents?

The Good Old Days.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I don’t see why emo kids don’t like to hang around.

I see them hang all day.

It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*

What do women and chess have in common? When you sacrifice the females and replace them, you are more likely to win.

I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!

I was sitting in math class, and our teacher doesn't like it if we don't work on math in his class. So, I did science homework on top of a math book.

Girlfriends are just like AK47s; they always go off on you.

The cheetah had a race with a lion, and the cheetah won.

The lion was like, "Why you always a cheetah?"

The cheetah was like, "Why you always lion (lying)?"

I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.

An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."

The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"

"Nein," said the old man.

I would like to say Hitler gave two fucks about his people.

But quite Anne frankly, I'd be lying.