Like jokes
I know why nobody likes my comments, because they got no sense of humor. That's why they dislike it. Now I know depression is a joke, a joke that never gets a laugh. =[ WHYYYY NO ONE LAUGH AT MY JOKES?
Brother: Your eyebrows look hella bad.
Sister: I don’t even think you know what eyebrows are supposed to look like because you have none.
Women be like chivalry is dead, then don't say thank you when you open the door for them.
Walk into the club like, "Wow, I got a big penis!"
Who will win the war: like for Russia, dislike for Ukraine?
Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.
Nobody: Aww, that's so sad!
Me: Just like me.
A computer is like a living organism. Its charger is its life support. If you "pull the plug," you are letting it slowly die.
People say that they miss xxxtentacion, like the bullet didn’t.
Cause she knows how I like it, and that I’m a little young to be in the bed, butt-naked doin' your mom.
Why does Michael Jackson like to play golf?
He likes to hit small white balls.
My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?
My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...
Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.
*Everyone Looks at me*
What do Time Clocks like to play?
Tick Tack Toe.
Given that it's a major guarantee that little boys' underwear will be half off at Kmart thanks to the blue light specials, now you know why Michael Jackson likes to loiter around the store all day long.
What planets do Astronauts like to pee on?
Uranus!
(Say this out loud and it will make more sense.)
A blind man walks into a woman's bar and asks the person next to him if she would like to hear a blonde joke. The woman says, "Before you tell your joke, you should know the bartender is blonde and has a shotgun, the bouncer is blonde and has a baseball bat, the two playing music are blonde and have pistols. Do you still want to tell that joke, cowboy?" He thought for a second and said, "Not if I have to explain it five times."
I was sitting in math class, and our teacher doesn't like it if we don't work on math in his class. So, I did science homework on top of a math book.
Me: Dark humor jokes are like a mother's love.
Orphan: How come?
Me: You wouldn't get it.
Orphan: . . . .
Okay so not a joke but like- There's a fucking noose in my school gym.
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”