Like jokes

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW

How do you know your sister is on her period? Your dad's c**k tastes like s**t!

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

Your mom is like a penny: two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants.

Why is a gun like a box of chocolates?

If you pull one out in class, everyone wants to be your friend.

Go drop-kick an orphan. No one will know, not like his parents would know.

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.

I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."

I like George Floyd's new song. It is really breathtaking.

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

Why do bisexual men 👨 👩 👨 love gay men bisexual men don't love gay men 👬 👨 👨 they just wanted to suck gay men's 👬 cocks 🌭 🌭 because they 👍 👍 like their 🍨 🍨 🍦 🍦 cream filling 😋 ☺ 💕 💖 🤗 😊 😋 ☺ 💕 💖 🤗 😊 😋 ☺

I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

A mouse is just like a ball bearing.

Drench them in oil, and they stop squeaking.

Girlfriends are just like AK47s; they always go off on you.

To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!

I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

A couple is on their first date.

Man: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.