Like jokes

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

How is the world like dirt?

Because we don't think twice about it.

Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.

Me running after slapping the emo kid's wrist and saying, "I like ya cut g."

The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.

The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.

The French salute starts with your hands in the air.

The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.

Yo girl... do you like squirrels, because I'm about to nut in your hole.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

Why does the Queen have more mobility than the King in chess?

Because it's shaped like the kitchen floor.

Why are there more female history teachers than male?

Because women like to bring up the past.

A fat person with autism is a bit like decent sunscreen... A broad spectrum.

Call of Duty kill cam be like.

This is the best kill streak ever!

Why are most absent dads mechanics?

They like to nut and bolt.

If a school shooter walks into a classroom and shoots an autistic kid, what does the kid say? "Why do I look like Swiss cheese?"

(Best pick-up line ever). Your body is like 9/11. I wanna crash into your twin towers. 😏

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.

Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.

In reality, I like killing myself.

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 comment = 1 kid in my microwave.

+1 share = 1 kid in my blender.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.