Like jokes

You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I immediately think, "Not now."

Plastic bags look like you, dirty and fake.

I have no problem with prostitution.

It's like an Air BnB for your dick.

What does Michael Jackson like?

Teabags.

Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.

To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."

Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just like hanging in the dark.

Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

BlessedBrian's family reunions must be like a casting call for the Addams Family.

How does Daveon like his coffee? Decaf-eon.

What did the beat say to the rapper?

"Drop it like it's HOT!"

How do rappers like their coffee? With a lot of flow creamer.

When a woman says, "I need to be treated like a delicate flower," don't cut the wrong cord on the bomb.

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.