Like jokes

I'd like to have kids one day.

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

So things are just too tiring to sort out... like which adoption center you should send your son to?

Ever noticed that "lol" looks like a person drowning?

You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"

Then I start to think I was the problem :(

Just kidding, fuck that asshole!

Q: I like elephants.

A: Everything else is irrelephant.

All terrorists like starting a new year off with a bang.

When I get jokes. They aren't f****** restarted like you.

My sister.

Your hair line is curved like a moving train.

Life is like a bag of jellybeans.

Nobody likes the black ones.

McDonald's worker be like, "Hello, would you like a Mc-Dick?" (You looked down) You: "Uhh, where's my dick?"

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just like hanging in the dark.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.