If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"
Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.
Why did the wall fall over?
A drunk driver hit it going 90mph and died.
A fat man was checking his weight and sucking in his fat belly. A physicist saw it and said that's not how the law of conservation of mass works.
Plot twist: The fat man jumped on the physicist and proved him wrong. Now the physicist doesn't have mass.
My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?
I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.
How do inmates keep in touch?
They have cell phones.
In the Middle Ages it was illegal for a blind man to become a king.
I mean, I don't see why not.
Why can’t orphans order from Costa?
They need a parent or guardian with them.
Michael Vick is coming to town, hide your dogs!
What does Christian say when he wants out of jail?
"Bale me out!"
What is Johnny Depp's new legal name?
Johnny in debt.
It's not a war crime if no one's alive to report it.
It's not a hate crime if you don't hate the person.
Me running from the principal because I put ten woman's rights books in the fictional section!
Dishwasher rape is another word for marital obligations.
Why is it inappropriate when guys say their girlfriends are their “Partners in Crime”?
Like we get it, bro, she’s underage.
A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
I was looking at our Human Services Minister and thinking I'm surprised he's married.
The things you do for your cousins!
I got raped when I was 5 in my princess pajamas by my dad. Nobody laughed at these jokes; they just cried.
