Law jokes

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"

Why didn't Donald Trump pick up his phone when Jeffrey Epstein called him?

Because Donald killed Jeffrey Epstein in prison to hide the evidence.

The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.

A man broke into Stevie Wonder's house and threatened to kill his wife.

He just turned a blind eye.

If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"

Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

He fingered a minor.

It's not a war crime if no one's alive to report it.

It's not a hate crime if you don't hate the person.

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

Me running from the principal because I put ten woman's rights books in the fictional section!

What is Johnny Depp's new legal name?

Johnny in debt.

I killed a homeless dude, now he's at funeral home 😭💔

Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.

Why do orphans play GTA?

So they can get wanted.

Why did the wall fall over?

A drunk driver hit it going 90mph and died.

A fat man was checking his weight and sucking in his fat belly. A physicist saw it and said that's not how the law of conservation of mass works.

Plot twist: The fat man jumped on the physicist and proved him wrong. Now the physicist doesn't have mass.

Why are orphans lucky?

Because when they drive, they don’t need a license plate, because they don’t have a home.

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

Why can’t orphans order from Costa?

They need a parent or guardian with them.