Law jokes

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

Rape is not a joke.

Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.

Condoms 99 percent effective.

Birth control 99 percent effective.

Etc.

Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)

No such thing as peados.... it’s all nonce-sense!

I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"

Why did the pedophile cross the road?

Because there was a school on the other side.

A man broke into Stevie Wonder's house and threatened to kill his wife.

He just turned a blind eye.

The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.

Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

He fingered a minor.

Why is it inappropriate when guys say their girlfriends are their “Partners in Crime”?

Like we get it, bro, she’s underage.

I was looking at our Human Services Minister and thinking I'm surprised he's married.

The things you do for your cousins!

A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar.

He orders a beer.

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."

Why can’t orphans get married in Alabama?

Because they don’t have a sister.

Why do orphans like pedos? Because it's someone that loves them and they can call "daddy."

It's not a war crime if no one's alive to report it.

It's not a hate crime if you don't hate the person.

What is Johnny Depp's new legal name?

Johnny in debt.

I killed a homeless dude, now he's at funeral home 😭💔

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.