Law jokes

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got "fine" written all over you.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and then you remember there are no speed bumps.

You just shot an unarmed man.

Well, he should have armed himself then.

What is the most common crime in China?

Identity fraud.

If you think no one cares about you, stop paying your taxes.

What is George Floyd's pickup line?

You are breathtaking.

I would slap you, but that would be animal abuse.

There was an orphan once, and someone knocks on his door and said, "Hello, son, come and hug me." But the orphan says, "Excuse me, who are you?" and the guy says, "You don't remember me? I'm your dad." And then the orphan says, "Fine then, if you're really my dad, come inside and let me ask you some questions." And the man says, "OK then, but I am really your dad." Then the orphan asked some questions to the man, and the man gets some of them right, so the orphan believes that the man is his dad. And then the orphan says, "You really are my dad?" and then he shows his dad his house, and the orphan has a roommate, and the dad and the orphan finally get to the bedroom, and then the dad knocks out the orphan, and then the dad starts to have something with the orphan/son, and the roommate hears weird noises in the orphan's/son's room, and he walks in and sees them having sex, and the roommate records it but then kicks the dad out of the house, and then the roommate shares the video to the orphan's school chat, and then the next day the dad gets arrested because he was actually a gay nonce, and everybody at the orphan's school calls him gay, but he really isn't, but since he was mad and disgusted, he pulled an AK47 out of his bag and kills everybody in the school and was never seen again.

Btw this is a joke so don't take it seriously.

A lawyer bought a beautiful yacht. He invited the law firm to come aboard for a great weekend.

Saturday night was the candle light dinner and Sam drank too much, walked on the deck and fell over the rail into the water and was calling for help. Tom said, "Oh no, the sharks will get him." All of the party lined along the rail and noticed the sharks were swimming around him in a circle. Jim said, "The sharks are not even bothering him!" And a shark lifted up his head out of the water and said, "Professional Courtesy."

Hey, 2nd Amendmenters! Wanna know what gun Jesus used during his time?

What?

A nail gun!

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

What do you call an orphan at a construction site?

Child labor.

Why did Timmy throw the clock out the window?

It reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man convicted of knife raping his wife.

What's the difference between a road bump and children crossing the road?

A road bump will make you slow down when you drive over it.

Why did the pedophile cross the road?

Because there was a school on the other side.

Q: Why did Bill Cosby get away with it?

A: Because the women were all Cosby-ing for it!

I got suspended at school today. I lit a kid's wheelchair on fire and called him "Hot Wheels."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Fishes.

Fishes who?

Fishes the police, come out with your hands up!