What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?
He was stealing all the samples.
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
Why are wives also called a housekeeper?
Because after the divorce, they keep the house.
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?
An escapea.
What do Colorado and Saudi Arabia have in common?
It's legal to get stoned.
