Mom: Are you seriously gonna die Me : No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing i'll do
My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying "b positive b positive" but its hard to be positive with him gone
I have a the best life coach ever, because he taught to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.
Cheer Up!! Old age doesn't last that long!
On a scale of 1-10, how old was Michael Jackson’s last boyfriend?
What was the last hat Princess Diana wore?
A bonnet.
My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death so we smoked his ashes.
Covid-19 won't last long... it's made in China
Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said “it’s a deer.” The other said it “No it’s a coyote.” The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.
A man was asked by his 21 years old daughter, " Dad how do you give a blowjob to a man that has a big "dick"? her father replied " honey, you should have watch me last night - it was inside my mouth, does it cycle now?"
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
Why do strippers never care about things?
Because the last time they gave a fuck, it was for 20$ an hour.
its better being depressed and suicidal than being happy, know why? happiness never lasts forever
Tried committing suicide last night...
Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself! :0
A priest is drowning in a river... A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says "leave me alone, god will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said "leave me alone, god will save me. " The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked god "why didn't you save me. " God said "I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn't take them! "
why do we not have female magicians because last time we had them we burned them alive
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate' "
doctor: you need to eat healthy
me: no
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after i suggested it died
me: oh my goodness
doctor: in a plane crash
me: that sounds unrelated
doctor: i'm the one that crashed it. do not disobey me
what is the fastest land animal? the last chicken in a Kenyan village
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin." Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
