I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.
He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because we shot the last one that had a dream.
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because the last one to have a dream got shot. (Martin Luther King joke)
Thanks Ethan for all you've done. We've both made mistakes when all is said and done, but just thanks for being a good friend. This is officially my last post on here, Ethan-Real 1.
Everyone becomes happy when they complete the last stage of the game.
But the cancer patients aren't.
At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.
On a related note, I suck at darts.
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."
An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
What were the last words of your grandma in 2020?
"Oh, I think I forgot my mask!"
What is the last thing you wanna see during a prostate exam?
The doctor taking off his watch.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
I wonder if Kobe Bryant enjoyed his last flight.
What's the last thing to go through the minds of 9/11 victims?
Their kneecaps.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
Violets are blue, roses are red.
Last night your mom was giving me head.
Went home with a woman last night. I was greeted at the door by a Mongrel.
I say Mongrel, it was her Down syndrome son trying to process if I was a stranger or not.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
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