Last jokes

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.

The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”

A momma cow and three baby calves are on a farm. The first baby calf asks the momma cow, "Mom, why is my name Rose?"

The mom responded, "Well, you see, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."

The second one asks her, "Then why is my name Daisy?"

The mom chuckled and simply replied with, "When you were born, Daisy petals fell on your head."

The last one said, "DUH DUR SURH!"

The mom said, "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!"

Your mama is so fat, the photo I took of her last Christmas is still printing.

What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?

"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."

Battery 1%.

I take one last look at Earth as my suit runs out of power.

Last night I had a dream about fishing poles, turns out it wasn't reel!

What do Marshall Tucker Band and Kobe Bryant have in common?

Their last big hit was "Fire on the Mountain."

What's the difference between a dad and an Emo?

They both don't last a while.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.

I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.

And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

Kate ate food coloring last night. She said she was dying inside.

What did the teacher say to the fat Turkish kid that always ate in his class?

"You could do with Ramadan lasting all year, couldn't you?"

A man is on his death sentence, and he gets to choose his last meal.

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life. They never found a working machine.

I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.

You guys, this is my last time publishing something here. You guys have been sending rude comments, and I need to work on my mental health. Goodbye.

What was the last thing that went through the 9/11 jumpers' heads?

Their ankles.

I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.

She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."