I can't handle these puns...
But I can HAND you some puns!
Budum tiss!
When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking.
What do you call a Russian tree?
Dimitree.
What's the difference between light and hard?
It's easy to get to sleep with a light on.
What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?
Eileen.
What do you call a group of letters that like to dance but make you want to poop?
A vowel movement.
What do you call a Chinese billionaire?
Cha Ching.
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
"Ash."
"Ash who?"
"Bless you!"
What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
Why was 9 afraid of 20?
Because 28, 29.
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What do you call a nose without a body? -- Nobody knows.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
What is heavy forward but not backward?
"Ton."
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?
Because the sign says "No Tres passing."
English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.
According to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
