People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.
What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?
They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."
What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?
A mass murderer.
Call of Duty kill cam be like.
This is the best kill streak ever!
Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.
In reality, I like killing myself.
What is the most dangerous mountain? Kilimanjaro.
Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."
Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!
A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.
What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.
Why does dark humor love orphans? Because the humor killed their parents.
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.
The jury: O.o
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? I would too if all I heard was "daaaaaaah!"
This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
A mirror and a terrorist are the same... Only... a mirror doesn't need a gun to kill.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Seven’s been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.
My opinion on abortion is very divided. Like, on the one hand, I like the idea of killing babies, but I'm not really into this thing about women being able to make choices.
You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.
What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?
Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.
Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!
When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
